Rough Couple of Days

Yesterday I learned that a dear friend of the family, Gary Stryker, passed away after a very unexpected battle with a rare lung disease. His daughters, Lindsey and Courtney, grew up with Jessica and I at First Baptist Pelham and we are just heartbroken for the loss of their precious dad. Mr. Stryker and family lived just up the street from us while we were kids and he was such a wonderful man and so loved by his friends and family. I know he will be greatly missed but never forgotten. Praying for our sweet friends during this difficult time.

Also, baby Jacob Salter was taken off of his ventilator yesterday (Monday) afternoon at 4pm but lived a little over 17 hours. Amy and Ken were able to hold him and be with him during the entire time. Pray for them as they grieve the loss of their precious baby. They are so lucky to have their families near them at this time.

It's strange that even though I have felt the loss of my own child, I still think in my mind "I cannot imagine how they feel." After losing Lizzy Ann, I realized how different each family's experience is and it is truly impossible to understand how someone feels after they have witnessed the death of their infant child.

Unfortunately, people think that I am now an expert on what to say to grieving parents but honestly there is nothing that eases the crippling heartache you feel when your mind wanders to that day when your world stopped. I have been told many many many many times that "the pain will get better over time." We are at almost 9 months since Lizzy
Ann's birth and I can tell you that the pain I experience when thinking of what we do not have has not subsided.

Then how do we move forward in our grief? How do we begin to think about having more children and potentially facing these nightmares again? Are we strong enough to manage this type of loss again?

How do we do it?........

God's perfect grace

Grace is His sweeping second-hand watch that allows the time between heartaches to grow longer and longer. Those moments of heartache are always as raw and tender as the day you first felt them but the spans inbetween those agonizing moments are mercifully extended. And in those moments of God's grace, you can live in the joyful moments that you had with your sweet baby.

-You see their face behind closed eyes and smile.

-You move a stack of papers and find yet another ultrasound picture of their precious hand.

-You have the strength to tell someone "Yes, we have a child. Her name is Lizzy Ann but she was born still on May 1st of this past year. We miss her very much."

-You find the courage to speak to a crowd of strangers and tell them that Lizzy Ann would want them to help make premature births and birth defects obsolete in the future.

-You think of the nights spent laying quietly in bed feeling her move inside of you and wishing that you could have captured that feeling in a bottle and carried it around forever.

-You think of the gifts of love that friends, family and strangers gave to you to honor her precious life.

-You think of the impact her life had on yours and know that God has forever transformed you.



Loving my friends today and praying for them.

Love to you all,
Johnna

Salter Twins

Again, I am coming to you to ask for your prayers for a friend. My friend, Amy Salter (husband-Ken), delivered her twin boys, Joshua and Jacob, at approximately 31 weeks in early December. Both babies were in the NICU for a while but Joshua was able to go home before Christmas. Jacob has been in the NICU the entire time and now his prognosis is not what Amy and Ken have prayed it would be.

My heart is broken for this family and their pending loss. I know that our God can heal baby Jacob but it just does not appear as though this is God's will for his little life. Please keep Jacob, Amy & Ken, baby Joshua and their older son, Evan in your prayers this week.

If you would like to read Amy's Caring Bridge blog, please leave her a note of support and encouragement.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/saltertwins

Working on another post and hope to have it up soon.

Love to you all,
Johnna

Future of Blog

This blog began as a way for Jeremy and I to disseminate information about Lizzy Ann's progress/condition but it became much more than that for me. It became the place where I typed out my many emotions through a very difficult pregnancy and ultimately my saddest moments after we lost Lizzy Ann.

At this point, I am unsure as to the direction of the blog and have prayed about what it's purpose is now. Many many many people read our blog during my pregnancy for various reasons but mostly because they had hope that God would deliver us from the nightmare we were living. When a miracle didn't happen for us, I believe that many people quit reading simply because they felt it was over.... The End. Well, it was really just the beginning for us and now we (actually I) feel like I'm writing a blog that has no purpose now other than to vent my sadness at varying intervals.

I'm praying that God will tell me what I need to do from here but if you are still reading, please pray for us to find purpose in this confusing time.

I hope that you all had a great Christmas and New Year. We wish we could say our's was great but we made it and are trying to continue moving forward.
Love to you all
-Johnna