Friday, December 18, 2009


Thursday, December 18, 2008 - Just a normal day for most people and it was normal for me up until my OBGYN visit that afternoon. "Fluid looks a little low. Maybe you are dehydrated or maybe it is something else. Let's wait a couple of weeks and let you come back to be checked again." Needless to say, I was concerned and worried about my low fluid for the next 12 days.

Little did I know that those 12 days would be the last 12 days where the excitement of a pending arrival and the joys of Christmas filled my heart with happiness. It is hard to believe that almost 1 year has passed since our happy little world came crashing down.

It is so weird to feel guilty because I've had a "good" day meaning that I didn't get emotional at some point or didn't sit aimlessly for hours doing nothing but think of her and the what-ifs. I've gotten good at giving advice and even deflecting unwanted attention or comments with just a simple (albeit rehearsed) statement.

But really nothing helps erase the memories of last Christmas season.... The thrill of knowing that THIS Christmas would be spent with the newest member of our family. Making memories with her, buying gifts for her that she wouldn't remember receiving, taking her first picture with Santa, toting her to all of the holiday events, playing "pass the baby" at family Christmas', reading the Christmas story to her like I had heard so many Christmas' with my family, starting traditions with our little family that would last a lifetime.

None of that will happen this Christmas and it is a painful time to reflect upon what we are obviously missing this season.

What we do have is the hope and assurance in our Lord, Jesus Christ who was born to a young woman (no doubt nervous and apprehensive about her responsibilities as a new mother) and a working class man (who was probably just as nervous about providing for his new wife who had conceived in an impossible way) almost 2000 years ago. This trusting couple's long roadtrip ended in a cancelled reservation and less than appealing accomodations that even some animals would snub their noses at. Mary was probably tired, achy, irritable, swollen and ready to have her baby (Ladies, can you relate?) And in that miraculous night a perfect baby was born and that baby grew to become the most influential person to ever have walked the Earth. Jesus Christ willingly gave His life for me so that I could one day be with Him in Heaven. And now He holds in His loving arms my sweet baby, Lizzy Ann. My spirit seems very broken during these darker days but I am so grateful for His sacrifice that allows me to see her again one day.

We are so thankful for each of you who have loved us, prayed for us and held us up this past year. I cannot believe that a year has passed and we are now facing the 1st anniversaries of many horrible days. I cannot write this post without hearing my anthem play in my head...

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

-Casting Crowns

Praying for a Merry Christmas for each of you. Love you all so very much.



  1. We are praying for you to have one as well. I do hope that you can find some comfort and peace for the road ahead. We are wrapping our love and prayers around you. Please know that my precious friend!

  2. I am still praying for God's peace, comfort and hope to surround you this Christmas. My heart breaks for you during these difficult days.