It has been quite a few weeks since I last posted but we're still here just incredibly busy this semester. I've kind of overloaded my platter and struggling to keep everything in balance! Hopefully things will lighten up over the next few weeks and I can begin to feel in control again.
Of course, additional life stressors begets tossing and turning at night, bad dreams, stomach upsets, etc... Those symptoms have been a regular part of my life for the past year and I was just beginning to enjoy life without them. It is amazing how your mental state truly makes a difference on your physical health. Jeremy and I have been seriously dieting since mid-October and though it may be difficult to tell, we have both lost a fair amount of weight! Yea for us, right? Well, when I get stressed my body shuts down and weight loss becomes very difficult and that's exactly where I am right now.
Most of you that know me know that I've been overweight for most of my adult life. Even when I began high school, I thought that I was fat (145 lbs). What I wouldn't give to be 145 again!! I've carried a great deal of guilt about Elizabeth's condition and my weight being a factor. Unfortunately, we know very little about every problem she might have had because of inconclusive genetic testing but I have read about "caudal regression symdrome" which can been attributed to maternal diabetes/obesity. That being said, none of the doctors have felt that my weight had anything to do with her conditions BUT I will not let that be a factor the next time we choose to get pregnant.
I guess this ties in to the question we've been getting lately which is "So, are you going to try again?" Whenever someone asks this they always have a really sad little look on their face so it's hard for me to be really angry at them for being so nosey. But still, it's a very personal question and one that I would not want to ask anyone let alone a couple that has experienced a traumatic loss of their first child.
So if you've wanted to ask me but haven't then here is my answer.... We will when we are ready. I am not ready. I am not sure when I will be ready. I am not sure that I will ever be ready. But does that mean that I do not want us to try again? No, it just means that another pregnancy will probably bring more nervous anticipation than new baby excitment and that is not something that I necessarily look forward to.
I want to be more physically prepared for another pregnancy by passing a few more milestones but I also know that I would like to celebrate Lizzy Ann's birthday anniversary before trying again. That is a very important day in our memory and I want it to be celebrated without being overshadowed by another baby's pending arrival.
We appreciate all of the hugs and prayers that are still going out for us. Please don't stop reading or commenting. We do treasure your thoughts and words of support.
Love,
Johnna
