Monday, May 18, 2009

It's me

Well, I'm blogging again....sorta. I have so much to say but just don't know how to say it. Bear with my "stream of consciousness" style of writing until I'm a little more cohesive.

It's been 2 weeks since we buried our precious baby and it feels like it was a lifetime ago. Days are long and nights are even longer but most days are beginning to be tolerable. I've talked with friends on the phone some and emailed a little as well but I'm still not back to my normal communicative self. Jeremy and I have had a few days alone and it's been nice reflecting on the choices we made for Elizabeth Ann's arrival and talked about what we wish we would have done (Yes, there is always something you remember later that you wish you would have done differently no matter how much you had prepared and planned).

I never posted a few of the blogs I wrote about 2 of my best friends that were pregnant alongside me this year. The three of us went to UA together and they're delivery dates were in early May whereas I was mid-June. I was so jealous of their uncomplicated pregnancies and their chance to be a mommy, again. Although I love them dearly, I did not want to talk to them about their pregnancies, did not want to hear the happiness in their voices, did not want to think about other people having healthy, normal babies that would come home with them from the hospital. I just couldn't bear it. Unfortunately, I think I hurt them both through my silence and distanced friendship. I regret not being more open with my feelings during our pregnancies but I was so afraid to tell them what I really thought most days. I am happy to say that they have both given birth to healthy baby girls. Moms and babies are doing well.

So many things have caused my heart to hurt....

-The pregnant teenage girl at Wal-Mart who was buying groceries with a WIC card. I admit the first thing through my mind always was..."Jeremy and I are supporting her and her child through our hard work each day. I wonder if the dad will even be involved." Terrible, I know.

-Church and work friends that were having healthy babies left and right. We probably have at least 10 friends and co-workers that have had a child in the past year. We're just at the age where EVERYONE is having a baby.

-My newly-made friends that have been through what we're experiencing. I hurt for them because I'm now a member of their club and it isn't one I ever thought I would have to join.

-Random people in stores/restaurants that have children out at all hours of the night, or children that looked like they could be sick, or children that just looked sad. I wondered if their parents really knew how lucky they were to have that little miracle.

-Pregnant women making comments like "I just want this to be over" or "Remind me to never get pregnant again." My heart just sank when I had to hear these sorts of things.

Our journey has been one that I never want someone else to have to walk but wouldn't erase for all the money in the world. Because of this journey, I am the mommy of a precious baby that was in the arms of Jesus before she was ever in mine.

But I miss Lizzy Ann desperately. My arms ache to hold her for just one more minute. To smell her sweet baby scent. To hold her long thin fingers that looked just like Jessica's. To kiss her lips that look just like mine. To brush her hair that looked just like Jeremy's. To sing to her a nighttime lullaby. To tell her how much I love her.

Rock... Meet hard place. I know where she is. I'm thankful for God's promises that allow her to be with Him forever. But that doesn't make me miss her any less. It doesn't allow me to not dream of her being in the room next to mine. It doesn't change the fact that I'm a mommy without a baby.

That's it for tonight. Jeremy is grilling dinner and I need to clean-up the house a bit.

Thank you for all of your comments on the blog. They have helped encourage us and hold us up on the really bad days. We love you all.



  1. I remember very vividly going to the mall just for something to do and a change of scenery a week or so after our Elizabeth was born. We saw a young, teenage mom there that reeked of smoke, and was pushing her stained onesie clad baby around in a stroller with a bottle of clear purple liquid tucked in next to him. It took every ounce of self control in me to not grab that baby and run for the nearest exit.

    I still struggle to be around people that whine about parenting, whine about perfectly healthy pregnancies, whine about having the "wrong" gender of baby...and it's been 4 years. Your sensitivity radar will calm down with time, but that's a life time burden I think. Hang in there - life does get better again.

  2. Oh how old feelings come rushing back as I read your blog!! I never lost a child but it took me 7 years to get pregnant....the very same situations arrose watching & knowing co-workers, sisters, friends (baby showers)...7 years is a long time! Each month waiting, thinking of the little boy or girl that will soon be in your life, then crying,hurting, feeling such a loss. One of the situations that bothered me the most was parents not having children in car seats! Well, I just watched my God-given little girl (Claire) drive off in her 1st car! She will be 17 in July. Without a test there is no testamony and hart-break makes your joy even more heart felt and precious! Thank you for sharing your test with all of us! God knows your heart

  3. Johnna/Jeremy - I have never met you - but I am in the choir with Johnna's Dad at FBC Pelham. I just want you to know that I have been praying for you every single day for months. Several of the people I work with are now reading your blog and hopefully praying for you also. Your enduring faithfulness in such an inspiration to me and I am sure to many others as well. Thank you for sharing your story.

  4. I love you sister and I am praying for you everyday.

  5. Hi Johnna. This is Kim Webb I worked with your mom for years in mothers day out at FBCP. I saw her Sunday evening and she directed me to your blog. Just wanted to say hi and that Im keeping you and your husband in my prayers. I still to this day hear your moms voice giving me advice for everyday living. Im sure she is a blessing beyond measure to you at this time. God Bless.

  6. Johnna,
    You and Jeremy continue to be in my prayers. It sounds as though your physical recovery is well under way. God has a way of inserting little blessings into your days to lift your spirits. The pain shall never go away. Hang in there and be watchful for the positive things He will send.
    Sue Calloway

  7. Im still praying for you and Jeremy often! Your little girl is beautiful! Isn't wonderful to know that she is now being loved by the only person that could love her more than you! God is good!
    Abbie Greer