Friday, February 20, 2009

You've got to be kidding

Let's talk about maternity clothes for fat chicks. They bite. Really they do.

My major pet peeves with Plus-Size Maternity Clothing are as follows:

1. Ridiculous patterns akin to those regularly seen on re-runs of "Mama's Family"

2. Tent-like construction. I'm pregnant...Not growing an entire village.

3. The strange attempt to relocate your anatomical parts

4. Is black my only choice?? So now I look like the Fat-Catwoman

5. Assuming that because I am chubby and pregnant that I am also blind and oblivious. I want to wear FASHIONABLE clothing. Not necessarily trendy but not completely devoid of interesting detailing.


If you are co-worker (or someone not comfortable with my ranting about crotches and saggy butts), please stop reading this... stop now before you want to crawl in a hole and never lay eyes on me again.

Now I'm at the point where I believe that full-panel, granny-panty style, low-crotch, no pockets maternity pants are approaching. I'm dreading it because if you've ever been fat and then stuffed that fat into any sort of poorly fitting 3% spandex clothing items, you understand my fear. Looking like a dimpled oddly stuffed sausage is not my thing and hopefully will never be my thing.... Oh, I can hear you know. "Why don't you try looking online for plus-size maternity clothes?" I've done the online purchasing of clothes bit and had some success (not much but some) BUT maternity clothes do not fit like regular clothes. For example, because you are fat and pregnant, clothing designers assume that your anatomical crotch has been relocated.... Somewhere near your knees! WhAT??? Wait... I just checked. And mine is still where it's always been.... AT MY CROTCH. It's a cruel, cruel joke being played on us.

Enough about crotches... Let's talk about rear ends. Mine is big and wide, yes, but amazingly, pre-pregnancy I regularly found pants that fit and draped appropriately and looked decent. So WHY, do these maternity designers make their pants skin-tight in the thighs and loose in the butt??? What sicko would do that to an already lumpy woman???? Couldn't they reverse that fit.... Snug in the rear and straight through the thigh??? Now I hear you asking this "Maybe you've just gained weight in your thighs and that's why everything is fitting oddly." Nope. Only gained 4 pounds in 23.5 weeks and that's probably baby, uterus and blood volume. If anything, I'm smaller in my thighs (not much but a little) and I'm still wearing my PRE-maternity pants (unbuttoned and partially unzipped). Seriously, co-workers still reading this, please do not check to see if I'm really wearing my pants unbuttoned and unzipped... I am. Jeremy and my sister can attest to the scary sight.

How to solve these desperate fashion issues:

1. I purchased three Bella Bands in brown, white and black and could NOT have imagined how they would stretch my wardrobe! Because there is no fluid, I'm not "showing" as much as I would otherwise but my belly is definitely different. These amazing little stretchy tubes keep your pants up and support your growing belly. Pass this along other preggers friends that are desperate for something that will help them get through what has to be the worst shopping days of our lives.

2. Old Navy- Although they carry maternity clothes up to a misses 18/20 (xxl) that is not the size I wear. BUT they do carry cute plus-size clothes that can be used as maternity for a while. Their tank tops are generally longer than most and many banded-style tops look maternity. Some of their pants are low-rise and fit really well with the Bella Band but I have a pair of jeans (not sure what rise) from Old Navy that have that "mom jeans" look in the waist and crotch and are too lumpy to wear with the band.

3. Lane Bryant - Get it while it lasts!!! They have very few things left in their maternity section but I scored a few (albeit black) items just after Christmas for about 75% off their regular prices. They are discontinuing their line of maternity (probably because they weren't smart enough to have a small section of it in their stores) and everything is cheap!

4. I've also heard that JC Penney has plus-maternity but I have not purchased anything from them. Motherhood maternity is a popular place too but I HATED their selection. Cheap fabric, no details, boring, cookie-cutter, fat-girl clothes. Would not recommend if you are picky like me.

5. If all else fails, accessorize. Distract them with dazzling costume jewelry, or bright scarves or incredibly cute shoes. Or green eyeshadow (my newest thing). It probably doesn't really work all that well but I'm going to have to believe that it does or I will not be able to leave the house for months.

My Maternity Purchase thus far:

3 Bella Bands
5 Maternity Tops
1 Maternity pant (no panel just low rise but they are pretty ugly)
3 Maternity dresses (Must mention that I had a "Janet Jackson" moment in one of them at church. Note To Self: Buy more safety pins)

Thank you for reading this rant!! Baby has to use the restroom. My bladder has become his new trampoline.


  1. Johnna,

    Take it from another plus size who has been pregnant for 2 years straight - JC Penney has GREAT plus size maternity but it is only on line!! If we lived closer you could just have mine!

    Good Luck!


  2. This is absolutely hilarious! You should send this to a magazine, 'cause lots of women would love it!

    When I bought maternity clothes, I was surprised at the selection I found from some consignment stores here. There were all different brands and sizes and they were CHEAPER! I don't know what stores you may have available there, but it may be worth checking into.

    Hope y'all have a good weekend.
    Paige S.

    Summer and Kelsie J.

  4. Oh my wordy, I about peed my pants by the time I got to the end of this one! Thanks for the good laugh. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't ever managed to find maternity pants that don't fall down/ride oddly/look lumpy for skinny girls either. I did hear that there is some miraculous new brand of pants that has a full all the way around stretchy panel (like the bella band, only sewn onto the pants) that lots of gals are loving. Of course, those appeared on the market shortly after I had my last baby :P, so I can't attest to their magnificence. All I can say is good luck and thank heavens it's getting to be spring because the dresses are a lot cuter than pants.

  5. Dear Johnna,

    Kat (oboe gurl) just finished reading this today after District honor band and was laughing so hard in the car that she couldn't breathe!!!
    We think you need to write a book "Confessions of a Pregnant Fat Chick -- How to survive with your pants falling off" Hope you and Jeremy are doing well! Jon Bubbett says come visit the band room when you are in town sometime.

  6. Johnna,
    You have missed your callings, comedic writer and fashion designer/editor. I agree, even though I am way beyond maternity clothes. Plus size designers have no mercy on us biggies.
    On a more serious note, Bro. Sam and I are praying for you everyday. I know and beleive with all my heart that God is completely in control of yours, Jermey's and precious little baby Stafford's lives. Your blogging I know has brought both tears and laughter to so many people. Keep allowing God to use you through this difficult time and give Him all the glory in all and everything. The Great Physican is still in charge.
    Love and Prayers,
    Mrs. Sheila