This is a post I began on Monday but got so down in the process that I couldn't finish it. It gets harder and harder to write about what we are going through....
Jeremy and I have been talking to the baby and calling HER Elizabeth over the weekend. Well, she has her Aunt Jessica's disposition and does not like to be talked about unless she is included in the conversation. Sunday, we were laying in our bed and talking about Elizabeth (how happy we were that her weight was 2.32 and that we wondered about how long she was right now, etc...) and then BAM!! She kicked me hard, right in the bladder. :) We just laughed at her and her perfect comical timing (also an Aunt Jessica trait). It is been so wonderful getting to know Elizabeth but the happiness in those moments doesn't fade the sorrow of knowing that we will probably never see her many "firsts."
Someone told me this weekend that he and his wife found out that they were not able to have children. There was a time that I wondered if Jeremy and I would be able to have children so I can relate to some of what they are going through. But what got me was when he said, "I understand exactly what you are going through." No you don't. No offense meant but not being able to have a child doesn't leave you empty handed at the hospital, it doesn't require you to have a funeral for the child you've loved before they were ever conceived, it doesn't make you question every future pregnancy you may be allowed to experience. It isn't the same. Infertility is sad and it is the loss of the chance to have a biological child but infertility opens doors to other methods of parenthood. Those types of comments get harder and harder to hear as June 13 draws closer. I need to make myself a button that says "No, you don't" and point to it when someone says they understand. Even our close friends that have experienced a loss haven't been through exactly what we're in (and vice versa) and we all are aware of the differences in our situations.
Another person said something to me that didn't really settle in until this morning (Thursday) "I bet that you are ready to have this baby." Actually, no. I would rather go the rest of my life pregnant with Elizabeth then ever have to give her up. Swollen feet, achy back, fatter than ever.... All so insignificant when compared to being able to protect your child. Being pregnant with Elizabeth is the ONLY way I can "have" her and somehow I'm not ready to not be pregnant. I know that most women are ready to see their babies at this point and I am too but not at the expense of her life. It's a hard position to explain but again, it is one of those comments that is okay for a normal person to hear but for me it just seems wrong.
I feel that I'm at the point where I have most everything prepared for Elizabeth's arrival and departure but I want EVERYONE (including myself) to pray for a miracle. I believe in God's almighty power to heal my precious baby and bring her into this world a perfect and whole infant. I've spent the past 10 weeks avoiding thoughts of a miracle because I was too scared to hope for something that seemed so out of reach. I know, I know... Nothing is out of reach for God but somehow I've had a feeling that a miracle wasn't in His plans for us so I just stopped praying for one. I kept believing it was possible but not probable and now as I get closer to holding my precious daughter, I do not want to settle for probable. I want the possible. Please be even more diligent about praying for a miracle... I know so many of you already have been and I am truly grateful for your intercession when I was not capable.
This week has been difficult because I've become so aware of our baby's identity now. We knew that giving and using a name would make this more real and exponentially more difficult but the pain of knowing her better makes me love her more and what parent wouldn't want that. Pray for me as I enter the last few weeks of pregnancy and all that that entails. Pray for Elizabeth's growth and strength as she is preparing to be born in just 10 weeks (or less). Pray for Jeremy's tender heart. He is so kind hearted that this has absolutely broken him many times over and I always worry about him (and vice versa). I think I've prayed as much for Jeremy as I have for the baby during these past weeks.
Pray for traveling grace as we go to visit one my dearest friends this weekend, Ginger and her husband, Bruce. They are in Chattanooga while Bruce completes his MD residency at Erlanger and then they will be stationed in Anchorage, AK beginning sometime in late June/early July. I've known Ginger FOREVER and we've always lived within a few hours of each other so this will be hard having her so far away. Thank goodness for email and cellular nights-and-weekends.