Tuesday, April 28, 2009


The date I once longed for is now quickly approaching and I wish that there were a way to stop time. I want to stop the world and just spend the next forever with my baby girl. Nothing is easy these days.... God's hand is present every day but my pain is still so overwhelming at times. Strangely enough, I would rather go through my day in sadness than to miss a moment thinking of and being with Elizabeth Ann. Time is just wasted if it isn't being spent thinking of my precious girl or praying in earnest for her.

What has been on my mind lately are the what would be the first things we would have done together??

- I would have shown you your room. It was going to be very cute. Shades of cream and brown with the cutest bedding set. A comfy chair for Mommy and Daddy to rock you in, lots of books about interesting things, clothes galore

-Gone to church. Everyone would have talked about how much hair you have (how could you not have bunches of hair with genes like this) and how sweet you are. You would have probably enjoyed the music too loudly but that's okay.

-Met your big brother, Dewey. You would probably not have realized that Dewey had sniffed every inch of anything that had come near you and already knew exactly who you were. You would have smiled a big baby smile the first time he licked your fingers or toes.

-You would have been passed around to every family member that lived within 100 miles. Every one of them would have tried to figure out who you looked like... Mommy or Daddy.

-So many more firsts during those first few days.....

My dreams are more disturbing now than they were and my sleep is difficult most nights. I've dreamed that she was born still and I never got to hold her. I dreamed that everyone I didn't want around was in the delivery room and it was just like a circus. I've dreamed that I didn't know that I was in labor and had her in a public place. Mornings are so hard for me because I've spent the whole night tossing/turning and having incredibly horrible dreams. Could anyone actually feel rested enough to get up and go teach children after these sort of nights?? I've woken myself up many times crying but not knowing why exactly. More bad dreams I guess....

I've also been frightened 2 times now because she has been so still and quiet. Both times, she didn't move at all for at least 10+ hours and I panicked. Jessica was sleeping with me one night (at the beach) and I kept her up most of the night waiting to see if I could feel Elizabeth move. When she finally did many hours later, I woke Jessica up to tell her the good news. I'm sure that Jessica slept less that night than she has in many moons.... Poor sister.

I fear not seeing Elizabeth Ann alive for even if it's just for a moment. I know that I will see her and hold her and have a chance to be with her but I want to smell her skin, see her open her eyes, watch her breathe, have her clench my finger in her fist, listen to her cry. These things are so important to me now.

It is so hard for people to understand that we no longer have "good" days. We have days where we don't cry as much or feel a little better but there are not many laughing, carry-free, happy-go-lucky moments in our life right now. God is walking with us, holding us, carrying us but the sadness is still present and sometimes overwhelming. We will try to put on a happy face as much as possible and go about our lives but say a quick prayer for us if you see that we are just not doing well enough to fake it these days. I had planned to work until the end of the school year if possible but each day is harder and I'm not sure how much longer I will make it. Today, I sat at my desk and cried for a long time. 2 kids and a school employee came in to deliver things to me and I'm sure they thought I'd lost my mind. It is not fair to my students to be here when I'm basically useless. Pray for me as I make a decision about what to do during the last few weeks of school.

Continue to pray for Elizabeth Ann!! I dream of what it would feel like to hear our doctor say, "She's perfect. You can go home with her in 2 days." What a miraculous moment to hear words like that from someone in the medical profession!! Help me plead with God for his mercy and grace to be extended to us and make Elizabeth Ann whole and perfect. I know how selfish it is to want an unaccountable, sinless baby to have to live in an imperfect and sin filled world but my heart wants her here with me and Jeremy.

We have planned to induce labor so that we can make better plans for her arrival. We will induce sometime in either late May or early June. Pray for our doctor's as they help us prepare for the induction and delivery date. Pray that we have kind and compassionate nurses and staff around us at all times during labor/delivery. Pray for our family and friends that may not have the opportunity to see Elizabeth Ann while she is with us.

Thank you for all of the kind comments on the last post. It helped me through a tough week. I will leave the "allow all" comments button on for now. Feel free to leave us a note of encouragement. We need them badly most days.

Love you all,


  1. My heart is breaking for you as I read this but God is forever faithful. I am praying for your family.
    Ranee Mitchell

  2. Hi there! You don't know me but I was able to read your blog from a friend's facebook page. First, please know you, your husband, Elizabeth Ann, and your family and friends are in my thoughts and prayers. Second, I cannot even imagine how this must feel and what you must be going through with all of this - I am sorry for when people have said that to you and your husband, b/c only if they have been through THIS, they have no clue! I had a close friend/neighbor to not know this had happened to their child until his birth, so I pray you are able to find peace in knowing, and peace in having time with Elizabeth Ann. I pray for a miracle. I pray for God's will. May you and your husband find peace and may your faith stay strong. You are both an impressive image of how believing, having faith and trusting God should be! Lastly, I pray for you. I am not a mother, but both of my sisters are and I know how amazingly strong their bond with their babies is, what their love for them is - and you obviously have that for Elizabeth Ann - and that is amazing. May you stay strong, healthy, believing, steadfast...and may you and your husband be able to handle this each step of the way, together!!! ><> love, mandy :)

  3. Johnna and Jeremy,

    I am continuing to pray for you and Elizabeth Ann. Mine and Stuart's Sunday School class at Woodward Avenue Baptist Church has also committed to pray for you. She is so blessed to have the two of you for her parents. God can do all things - this is not too big for Him. I pray for His miraculous healing of your precious baby girl.

    Melissa Clark

  4. Jeremy & Johnna, words escape me at this time so I will share a scripture that is an encouragement to me so many times.
    Isaiah 27:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.

    God bless you both. I am praying...

  5. Johnna and Jeremy, thank you so much for sharing so from your hearts. I admit that my heart is breaking for you, but then, my spirit is so encouraged by your faith, and your total dependence on your Lord. Please know that I, and others that I know, are praying for you two, and baby Elizabeth Ann. My prayer is for His will to be done, and we know that He wants us to petition our hearts' desire to Him. So, my petition is for a miraculous transformation in that little body. I pray, also, for that special time with Elizabeth Ann that you, Johnna, described in this last post, and for all that you are hoping to happen. May God give you peaceful rest, without the dreams to disturb. Take that time that you and Jeremy need in these next few weeks. Hold on to God's promise of never leaving you or forsaking you. He is faithful, as you already know. Blessings on all of you.

    Charlotte Cramer

  6. Thinking of you....praying for you...loving you. I'm praying for a miracle, knowing God has one in store - not knowing exactly what it will be. May you feel His presence and His peace. Love to you and all your precious family - blessings on Elizabeth Ann. Love - Jackie Spann

  7. Johnna,
    My heart breaks for you as I read this post~ What you are feeling is something a Mother shouldn't ever have to feel. I can see the pain growing in your Dad's eyes as the weeks go by when he talks about you in Sunday School. I can only imagine how your eyes (and Jeremy's) must look. Your entire family is in our prayers and we still pray for a miracle for Elizabeth Ann; even if that miracle is a few precious moments with your precious daughter!
    Please let us know if we can do anything for you!
    Angel Duke
    (FBC Pelham, Dad's SS class)

  8. Dear Johnna and Jeremy,
    I cannot begin to tell you how this post breaks my heart; how I wish so badly that you were not having to go through this. You both are constantly in my thoughts...many times throughout the day. I have prayed for strength, comfort and especially for you, Johnna, to have peaceful, restful, refreshing nights of sleep. I think about Jeremy and that sweet, loving demeanor of his and know that his heart is breaking as well. I love you both so much and as the due date draws near I am praying for God to give you as much time as possible to bond with your precious Elizabeth Ann. What a special name she has and how precious to me she already is. I love you both and like mom said in an earlier post to you, I hug you both in my mind all the time. Stay strong. You are loved. Love, Karen

  9. I love you sister!! You will never know how much.

  10. Johnna and Jeremy,

    I want to share a word of encouragement to you as you face such a tough path ahead.. "But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I will say ' YOU are my God.' My times are in Your hands." Pslam 31:14-15a

    Please know that you and Elizabeth Ann are surely in His hands... He never makes a mistake or misses something. Just like my son had 3 holes in his heart when he was born, God knew it all along. And He's already provided a way for you to get through it, as tough as it will be. Lean on Him, Cry on His shoulder. He's holding you as you grieve, and will continue to hold you as you heal.

    Suzanne Powell

  11. I found your blog through a friend's facebook page. All three of you are in our prayers. Elizabeth is blessed to have you two for a mommy and daddy.

  12. Johnna,

    I've been following your blog for months. Thank you for sharing your story with us this way - it has put a burden for prayer in my heart that I haven't had in a long time. There really are no words that I can offer - and I have hesitated to say anything, because I would never want to bring more sadness. But I will try to humbly tell you that there is no doubt in my mind that you and Jeremy were chosen for Elizabeth Ann. God, in his infinite wisdom, knew that you and Jeremy would fill her little life with enough love for a lifetime. He also knew that you would use your heartache to show others His love. You have done that for me, and countless others. Bless you both, and I pray that you will have as much time as possible to share with your daughter when she arrives. I pray for the peace and comfort that only Christ can bring you. God bless you, Jeremy, Jessica, and the rest of your family.

    Mandy (Moore) Broadhurst

  13. I, too, found your blog through a friend's Facebook page. There certainly nothing I can say that will make this better, but I want you to know that I am in awe of your strength and courage in the face of this situation. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  14. Johnna,
    You are one of the strongest women I have ever known. Although this is very difficult, your strength, your faith, and your love with see you through it. Elizabeth Ann is very lucky to have a mommy like you. If you need anything, even to vent, I'm here.

    Amy Marable

  15. I continue to pray for you. Thank you for posting and allowing us the privilege to pray for you - for casting your cares and burdens.

  16. Johnna,

    You, Jeremy, and Elizabeth Ann are in our thoughts and prayers every day. You are by far the strongest woman I have ever known and I know there are no words to make this any easier for you. I am praying for a miracle, I am praying for strength for you and Jeremy, and I am praying for TIME...
    Be stong, Johnna, and know that we are here for you and praying for you every day.

    Jorie Franklin

  17. Johnna,

    We will continue to pray for you and Jeremy and Elizabeth Ann. What a beautiful name you have chosen for her. We love you all.


  18. Johnna,
    God is present in all that you feel and experience. Let His love hold you, Jeremy and Elizabeth Ann. We are praying and believing God will perform a miracle and that He will use you and all that you have and are going through to continuely glorify Him. Praying for all your desires to come true. Praying unceasingly.
    Love and Prayers,
    Mrs. Sheila

  19. Hugs and prayers for you both. I appreciate your honesty and openness - it brings back so many memories. I actually quit working right after the 20 week ultrasound. I just couldn't handle being around dying patients in my emotional state at the time. Do what you need to do to get through these few months and don't feel at all guilty about it.

    I purchased a doppler on ebay for those nerve wracking days when I couldn't feel her move for a long time. She was never a very wiggly baby, and I too was nervous that I wouldn't realize that she had died inside of me. It was worth every penny. You can rent them for a very reasonable rate - around 20 bucks a month. Might be worth it for these last few weeks.

    I love your scripture post. You've got some wonderful ones in there. Hang in there, and know that some day you will look back on this as both your greatest trial and your greatest blessing.

  20. I'm one of the many that don't know you personally but pray for you daily. I have you on prayer lists in churches you don't even know exist! This situation is unimaginable to me. I read your blogs and am amazed by your strength and faith. This side of Heaven, I'm sure none of us will understand why. But, I do know that God knows exactly. I wish I could see what He sees!

    I do pray for an absolute miracle. What an incredible testimony that would be!! I pray for strength and guidance and peace for you and your husband. I pray for happiness and comfort for your daughter.

    Your sister in Christ!

  21. I love you guys so much. Know I am here for you no matter what. Steph

  22. Johnna & Jeremy,
    I am praying for you and Elizabeth Ann, y'all are constantly on my mind.

  23. Anonymous said...
    Jeremy & Johnna, Please know that you both, along with your extended family, are all in my prayers. Thank you so much for sharing with everyone. Elizabeth Ann is beautiful. Our family has experienced a similar event recently...my cousin gave birth to identical twin baby girls. Though it was not known before their birth, both had a chromosomal condition, Trisomy 13. Little Katie lived 9 days and Addie lived 5 weeks. I know how much the love, prayers and support from family, friends and even strangers meant to my cousin and her husband. I'm amazed at the magnitude of your strength and faith and am very glad to see that you have the love, support and prayers from many people to help hold you up during this time.

    Wanda Bradford