Scriptures and Quotes

These are just a few of the things I've read over and over. If you sent me one of these scriptures or quotes, then thank you. I have read a wonderful book that I would recommend to any who has lost or knows someone who has lost a child. My sister's friend, Paige, gave it to me in January and I've read it twice already and keep it with me to help me through the really bad days. Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur

I know that many people face difficult times in life and many of these Bible verses can be applied to many situations. I hope they can be of comfort to others as well.

Pslam 31:14-15a But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I will say ' YOU are my God.' My times are in Your hands.

Isaiah 27:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.

Psalm 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Isa. 43:1b I have called you by YOUR name: You are mine

Elizabeth
Language/cultural Origin: Hebrew
Inherent Meaning: Oath of God
Spiritual Connotation: Consecrated
Scripture: Romans 6:23 But the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Ann
Language/cultural Origin: English
Inherent Meaning: graceful
Spiritual Connotation: Understanding
Scripture: Psalms 111:10 the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all they that do His commandments: His praise endureth for ever.

Zeph. 3:17 The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

"There are two ways to look at life. One is as though nothing is a miracle; the other is as though everything is." -Albert Einstein

"You are so precious to me, sweet as can be, baby of mine" -Mrs. Jumbo (Dumbo's Mother)

Job 33:4 The Spirit of God hath made me, and the breath of the Almighty hath given me life.

Psalm 22:10 From my mother's womb you have been my God.

Psalm 71:6 By You I have been upheld from birth; you are He who took me out of my mother's womb.

“If I never met you, I would have dreamt you into being.” -Sebastian Chantoix

“I will carry your first cry with me everywhere I go” – Anonymous

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above…

Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a gift of the Lord…

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart…

1 Samuel 1:27 I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted what I asked of Him....

Psalm 56:8 Thou tellest my wanderings:put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? "God sees, knows and records in writing all our troubles, distresses and sufferings. Every tear shed by a faithful believer is treasured by God and carefully preserved in His memory. He keeps record so that He can comfort and reward us according to our suffering on earth. For every trial in which we remain faithful to God, we will reap an abundance of joy and glory when we are with Him in heaven. Thus when troubles, anxieties or grievous trials come our way, we must never forget that God looks at us lovingly through all our disappointing experiences, illnesses, sleepless nights, financial trials or hardships in the workplace."

Psalm 91:11 May the Lord give his angels charge over you, to guide you in all of your ways….

Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalms 33:20 He is our help and our shield.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

Nearing

The date I once longed for is now quickly approaching and I wish that there were a way to stop time. I want to stop the world and just spend the next forever with my baby girl. Nothing is easy these days.... God's hand is present every day but my pain is still so overwhelming at times. Strangely enough, I would rather go through my day in sadness than to miss a moment thinking of and being with Elizabeth Ann. Time is just wasted if it isn't being spent thinking of my precious girl or praying in earnest for her.


What has been on my mind lately are the what would be the first things we would have done together??

- I would have shown you your room. It was going to be very cute. Shades of cream and brown with the cutest bedding set. A comfy chair for Mommy and Daddy to rock you in, lots of books about interesting things, clothes galore

-Gone to church. Everyone would have talked about how much hair you have (how could you not have bunches of hair with genes like this) and how sweet you are. You would have probably enjoyed the music too loudly but that's okay.

-Met your big brother, Dewey. You would probably not have realized that Dewey had sniffed every inch of anything that had come near you and already knew exactly who you were. You would have smiled a big baby smile the first time he licked your fingers or toes.

-You would have been passed around to every family member that lived within 100 miles. Every one of them would have tried to figure out who you looked like... Mommy or Daddy.

-So many more firsts during those first few days.....


My dreams are more disturbing now than they were and my sleep is difficult most nights. I've dreamed that she was born still and I never got to hold her. I dreamed that everyone I didn't want around was in the delivery room and it was just like a circus. I've dreamed that I didn't know that I was in labor and had her in a public place. Mornings are so hard for me because I've spent the whole night tossing/turning and having incredibly horrible dreams. Could anyone actually feel rested enough to get up and go teach children after these sort of nights?? I've woken myself up many times crying but not knowing why exactly. More bad dreams I guess....


I've also been frightened 2 times now because she has been so still and quiet. Both times, she didn't move at all for at least 10+ hours and I panicked. Jessica was sleeping with me one night (at the beach) and I kept her up most of the night waiting to see if I could feel Elizabeth move. When she finally did many hours later, I woke Jessica up to tell her the good news. I'm sure that Jessica slept less that night than she has in many moons.... Poor sister.


I fear not seeing Elizabeth Ann alive for even if it's just for a moment. I know that I will see her and hold her and have a chance to be with her but I want to smell her skin, see her open her eyes, watch her breathe, have her clench my finger in her fist, listen to her cry. These things are so important to me now.

It is so hard for people to understand that we no longer have "good" days. We have days where we don't cry as much or feel a little better but there are not many laughing, carry-free, happy-go-lucky moments in our life right now. God is walking with us, holding us, carrying us but the sadness is still present and sometimes overwhelming. We will try to put on a happy face as much as possible and go about our lives but say a quick prayer for us if you see that we are just not doing well enough to fake it these days. I had planned to work until the end of the school year if possible but each day is harder and I'm not sure how much longer I will make it. Today, I sat at my desk and cried for a long time. 2 kids and a school employee came in to deliver things to me and I'm sure they thought I'd lost my mind. It is not fair to my students to be here when I'm basically useless. Pray for me as I make a decision about what to do during the last few weeks of school.

Continue to pray for Elizabeth Ann!! I dream of what it would feel like to hear our doctor say, "She's perfect. You can go home with her in 2 days." What a miraculous moment to hear words like that from someone in the medical profession!! Help me plead with God for his mercy and grace to be extended to us and make Elizabeth Ann whole and perfect. I know how selfish it is to want an unaccountable, sinless baby to have to live in an imperfect and sin filled world but my heart wants her here with me and Jeremy.

We have planned to induce labor so that we can make better plans for her arrival. We will induce sometime in either late May or early June. Pray for our doctor's as they help us prepare for the induction and delivery date. Pray that we have kind and compassionate nurses and staff around us at all times during labor/delivery. Pray for our family and friends that may not have the opportunity to see Elizabeth Ann while she is with us.

Thank you for all of the kind comments on the last post. It helped me through a tough week. I will leave the "allow all" comments button on for now. Feel free to leave us a note of encouragement. We need them badly most days.

Love you all,
Johnna

Comment please

Many of you have told me that you are reading our blog but do not have a Google account so you can't comment.... Through Sunday of this week I've allowed all comments from anyone & everyone. I will still moderate them for content but please let us know who's out there. We started the blog for our benefit but now realize the reach it has and we would love to hear from you. Strangers, old friends, new friends, family.....

Thank you for loving us.
jjs

Please pray

Please keep us in your prayers this week especially. I'm having some rough days and do not feel like blogging right now. Also, I'm attending my school's spring music trip this weekend and need prayers for strength and patience with my students.

We are 32 weeks and counting. Pray for our precious baby, Elizabeth Ann.

Love,
Johnna

Weekend update

We had a great appointment on Friday with Dr. Head. He was informative and caring and exactly what we had hoped for in a delivery doctor. Plus, he's a band dad!! :) How funny.
We also got to see the labor/delivery suites and they are very nice so we feel a bit more settled about delivery in Birmingham now.

We had a great Easter Sunday with family and saw TONS of FBCP folks as well. Usually, we go to the 10:45 service with Mom but we went to the 9:15 with Dad instead and we saw so many more people than usual!! I guess all my old friends are early birds! :) Thank you FBCP for your hugs, love and prayers over the past 15 weeks. We love you all so much!!

This will be a brief post because I'M HEADED TO THE BEACH!! Woohoo! We are heading out this afternoon and I've got some running to do before then so..... Pray for my Z-pack to kick in today and keep working this week. I've had a little congestion that's moved into my chest and have developed a rattling cough over the past few days. I'm sure it's just the affects of seasonal allergies but I'd rather not be sick!!

Love,
Johnna

Easter

Busy weekend and week ahead.... Today is the last day of school before spring break and I could not be more ready for the chance to GET OUT OF HERE!!! This has been an extremely long semester so far and I desperately need a break from everything school.

Friday morning, we will travel to Birmingham and meet with our delivery doctor for the first time. I am excited to finally meet Dr. Head but nervous as well because this begins the finalization of our plans for Elizabeth's arrival. Pray for Dr. Head and his colleagues so that they might assist in making the best choices for my health and Elizabeth's safe arrival. We will also try to take a quick tour of the Labor/Delivery unit at Shelby while we are in the area. Over the past few weeks, we have learned that many of our friends are nurses/staff work in that area of the hospital so it will be great having people that love us close by.

Mom, Jessica and I are heading to Gulf Shores Tuesday-Friday of next week and I couldn't be more excited!!! GIRL TIME!! I love my husband and I could spend almost every moment of the day with him but I'm so thankful for the time I will get to have with the two most important women in my life. We have plans to do a lot of people watching, general lounging and did I mention a whole lotta NOTHING.

Speaking of the beach... what is the first thing you think of when you begin planning a beach trip? Bathing suits. Oy. I tried on EVERY swimsuit I have and let Jeremy tell me what he thought... big mistake. His expressions alone were priceless. One particular tankini had the tendency to act like a roll up window shade when pulled down over my big belly. Frightening. So, if you are vacationing in Gulf Shores this next week, please do not be alarmed if you see a sight that makes your children run and hide. It's just me...in a swimsuit. Now, where is my self-tanner? Nothing says "spring break" like oompa-loompa tinted skin.....

Today is Maundy Thursday and tomorrow is Good Friday. Let us each remember those events that changed the world 2000 years ago. Where would we be without Christ's sacrifice for our unworthy souls? I wanted to watch the Passion of Christ this Easter season because of the beautiful portrayal of Mary in the film. By no means am I comparing myself to Mary but I have had a glimpse of the pain she must have felt. She was a humble woman that spent her whole life knowing that her sweet child was the Son of God and that there would be a day when he would leave her to serve his Father in a mighty way. I pray everyday that my sweet Elizabeth Ann's presence on earth will be a testament to God's love and grace and that her departure will bring God glory and honor. Oh how Mary must have felt.....

Celebrate this miraculous time of year with your family and have a Blessed Easter Sunday!

Love,
Johnna

Choo-Choo

Well, we had a great weekend visiting our friends, Ginger & Bruce in Chattanooga. They are in the midst of finding a good buyer for their home and trying to make plans for Bruce to house hunt in Alaska. Plus, they have 11 month-old twins (boy & girl) so they are super busy right now trying to prepare for the big move.

Jeremy asked me a couple of times this weekend how I was doing because he was worried about me being around babies. Actually, Ginger's are not little babies anymore so it didn't bother me really but being around any small children/babies always makes my mind wander to the "what-ifs" of course. That is just natural and I've tried to avoid my friends that have very small infants because I don't know exactly how I would react. Easier just to avoid the unknown right now....

As I stood in line at TJ Maxx yesterday, I noticed a woman behind me toting tons of stuff to the register. She was very pregnant and I just thought, "Get a buggy, lady." She started talking to an acquaintance in the line and was explaining that she would probably have to deliver at 38 weeks because the baby was very large, etc. Towards the end of the conversation she said and I quote, "I just want this over with." Only God kept me from jumping her and telling her how incredibly selfish she was being by wanting to "get it over with." Those moments are more frequent these days primarily because I'm more aware of pregnant women now than I ever have been in my life.

I started thinking last week about the demographic we will be in if things keep progressing as is. For a long time, we were in the married/no children group and then we started trying and were in the the married/trying for kids (but not announcing it) group. That was not a fun group to be in because nosey/rude people just kept assuming that they could ask us why we didn't have kids yet!! But now, we are in the married/soon-t0-be-parents group and may only get to be members for a short time before people put us back in the married/no children group. I don't know why that bothers me so much but it really does. Jeremy and I will always be Elizabeth Ann's parents no matter how short her time with us may be and I hope that our family, friends and others can always see that her presence in our lives was real.

Even though Elizabeth's presence on earth may be brief, we know that her life has purpose and we don't ever want to trivialize what her time with us really is... a miracle. Think about it, a baby with no kidneys and no fluid has lived in me for 30 weeks and has made great progress during that time. God has allowed her to grow and thrive during these 30 weeks!! I have read hundreds of stories about babies with BRA and so many of them are induced early or are born still at 20-26 weeks and I am so grateful for the time we have had with our sweet girl. Jeremy and I keep talking about the gift we have been given.... Time. God allowed us to discover this condition early on and make our hearts ready for the possible outcomes. But during this time, we have developed an immense bond with our baby that many parents may never have even though they may raise a child to adulthood.

Keep praying for us and praying for a miraculous healing of our girl. Pray that God will give me a "stupid people" shield over the next few weeks. I'm very sensitive these days and many comments/actions have sent me overboard when just a few weeks ago I wouldn't have batted an eye. I've been selfishly asking for prayer for Jeremy and I and failing to ask for prayer for my family. They have suffered immeasureably over the past 15 weeks as well and have been so helpful in making preparations for delivery and after. They have faithfully prayed for us and been diligent in checking on us frequently. We have a wonderful family and are so thankful for their love and support. Please pray for them as they tend to us and help us prepare for the coming weeks.

-John & Jo (my mom and dad)
- Barbara (Jeremy's mom)
-Jessica & Chris (my sister and her husband)
- Charles & Melissa (Jeremy's brother and his wife)
-Aunt Margaret, Walter, Futrals, D. Hayden's, J. Hayden's
- Uncle Donald & Aunt Carol, D. McGee's and Parmer's
- Aunt Nina, Aunt Christine & Uncle Joe (and their families)

Medical Prayers- Please pray for these medical professionals that will caring for Elizabeth and I.

-Dr. Stutts (OB)
- Melinda (ultrasound tech)
- Dr. Stutts entire staff
-Dr. Head (delivery doctor)
- Dr. Head's nurses and staff
- Labor/Delivery nurses at hospital

After our first MFMC visit in January, Jeremy, my parents and I met with Bro. Mike & Mrs. Mary at FBCP to talk and pray for few minutes. As we talked, my dad grabbed a bible and read to us Psalm 139:16. At first, I hated that verse because I felt like it was condemning my baby to death but as God worked on my heart, I began to see the verse as a praise to God for allowing us each moment, no matter how brief. God has made a place for me, Jeremy and now Elizabeth Ann in Heaven and we know that we will one day be a complete family. I have mourned for our earthly loss but have no doubt that Heaven will rejoice should Elizabeth join the ranks of Angels. God has ordained her life to be one of near perfection and I am thankful for the chance to hold a sweet angel while she is here on earth.

Psalm 139 13-16

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Yet another non-posted post

This is a post I began on Monday but got so down in the process that I couldn't finish it. It gets harder and harder to write about what we are going through....

Jeremy and I have been talking to the baby and calling HER Elizabeth over the weekend. Well, she has her Aunt Jessica's disposition and does not like to be talked about unless she is included in the conversation. Sunday, we were laying in our bed and talking about Elizabeth (how happy we were that her weight was 2.32 and that we wondered about how long she was right now, etc...) and then BAM!! She kicked me hard, right in the bladder. :) We just laughed at her and her perfect comical timing (also an Aunt Jessica trait). It is been so wonderful getting to know Elizabeth but the happiness in those moments doesn't fade the sorrow of knowing that we will probably never see her many "firsts."

Someone told me this weekend that he and his wife found out that they were not able to have children. There was a time that I wondered if Jeremy and I would be able to have children so I can relate to some of what they are going through. But what got me was when he said, "I understand exactly what you are going through." No you don't. No offense meant but not being able to have a child doesn't leave you empty handed at the hospital, it doesn't require you to have a funeral for the child you've loved before they were ever conceived, it doesn't make you question every future pregnancy you may be allowed to experience. It isn't the same. Infertility is sad and it is the loss of the chance to have a biological child but infertility opens doors to other methods of parenthood. Those types of comments get harder and harder to hear as June 13 draws closer. I need to make myself a button that says "No, you don't" and point to it when someone says they understand. Even our close friends that have experienced a loss haven't been through exactly what we're in (and vice versa) and we all are aware of the differences in our situations.

Another person said something to me that didn't really settle in until this morning (Thursday) "I bet that you are ready to have this baby." Actually, no. I would rather go the rest of my life pregnant with Elizabeth then ever have to give her up. Swollen feet, achy back, fatter than ever.... All so insignificant when compared to being able to protect your child. Being pregnant with Elizabeth is the ONLY way I can "have" her and somehow I'm not ready to not be pregnant. I know that most women are ready to see their babies at this point and I am too but not at the expense of her life. It's a hard position to explain but again, it is one of those comments that is okay for a normal person to hear but for me it just seems wrong.

I feel that I'm at the point where I have most everything prepared for Elizabeth's arrival and departure but I want EVERYONE (including myself) to pray for a miracle. I believe in God's almighty power to heal my precious baby and bring her into this world a perfect and whole infant. I've spent the past 10 weeks avoiding thoughts of a miracle because I was too scared to hope for something that seemed so out of reach. I know, I know... Nothing is out of reach for God but somehow I've had a feeling that a miracle wasn't in His plans for us so I just stopped praying for one. I kept believing it was possible but not probable and now as I get closer to holding my precious daughter, I do not want to settle for probable. I want the possible. Please be even more diligent about praying for a miracle... I know so many of you already have been and I am truly grateful for your intercession when I was not capable.


This week has been difficult because I've become so aware of our baby's identity now. We knew that giving and using a name would make this more real and exponentially more difficult but the pain of knowing her better makes me love her more and what parent wouldn't want that. Pray for me as I enter the last few weeks of pregnancy and all that that entails. Pray for Elizabeth's growth and strength as she is preparing to be born in just 10 weeks (or less). Pray for Jeremy's tender heart. He is so kind hearted that this has absolutely broken him many times over and I always worry about him (and vice versa). I think I've prayed as much for Jeremy as I have for the baby during these past weeks.

Pray for traveling grace as we go to visit one my dearest friends this weekend, Ginger and her husband, Bruce. They are in Chattanooga while Bruce completes his MD residency at Erlanger and then they will be stationed in Anchorage, AK beginning sometime in late June/early July. I've known Ginger FOREVER and we've always lived within a few hours of each other so this will be hard having her so far away. Thank goodness for email and cellular nights-and-weekends.

Love,
Johnna

oops..

If you posted a comment to the post on March 26th, then I'm sorry but I accidently hit "reject" instead of publish. Eric & Amanda, Nurse Heidi & Mrs. Jackie. SORRY!! If you want to re-comment, please do so and I will make sure that I don't goof it up again.
-JJS