My sweet cousin, Karen, and I were talking yesterday afternoon and I just have to say that I love her so much! She's one of the ones that I can be honest with and she doesn't think I'm nuts (well, she may but she won't let on that she does). We were talking about the blog and she said "I'm glad that you had a good week last week." Well, I didn't have a good week entirely but there were good days and we talked about that for a while. It has been hard for me to be completely open about the bad days because they are bad and I want to forget them as quickly as possible. I find myself attempting to mask my sadness and depression because I know it makes other people uncomfortable which in turn makes me feel even worse. Catch 22, right. And the strange thing is this- There are 2 camps of people out there loving and supporting us.
Camp 1 - Thinks we are okay because we are not blubbering 24/7 and completely wrecked.
Camp 2- Thinks that we are NOT okay because we are not blubbering 24/7 and completely wrecked.
It's kinda funny if you think about it. :)
Just so both camps can see where they are right and wrong... Here it is. I have bad days, really bad days sometimes. Days where I get a pain in my back and shoulders that goes up my neck and covers my head. Bad days make my eyes hurt and I just want to shut them and never open them again. Bad days make me angry, tired, hungry (but nothing tastes right), achy, sleepless, short-tempered, etc... If you were an avid child reader, you may remember the book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day." That is how I feel on those days but even worse.
A few weeks ago, Jeremy and I began talking about the funeral plans that we made in January and how we unhappy with the limited choices in infant caskets. Although we're praying for healing and a miracle, we cannot avoid planning for what will happen if that miracle isn't performed. We also want to know that every choice we've made for our baby is one that pleases God and allows us no regrets and that takes a good deal of advanced planning. Jeremy decided that making the baby's casket would make us both feel better and was the right thing to do in this situation. I have not wanted to be involved in this project so Jeremy has completely taken it on himself. I'm not sure how many people have made a casket for their unborn first child, but you have to realize that it is truly the hardest thing that Jeremy has ever done. The pain I see in my precious husband's eyes each day makes me love him more and more because I know he is doing this out of unconditional love for our baby and for me. He is the strongest person I know but the most kind and gentle at the same time.
This is a prayer I wrote a week or so ago but never posted. This is how I feel on good days and I'm thankful that God gives me so many of them.
Thank you God for giving me the chance to be a mom. You answered my prayers with this pregnancy and I'm truly grateful for your grace and love. Our baby is perfect in your eyes and will always be perfect in our hearts. I know that you are with me every moment of the day. Thank you for letting our precious baby be a comfort to us during these hard times. His little movements and changes allow us to be joyful in his presence in our lives. Please give us the strength to be positive parents to our baby during the next few months. We want to live our lives as an example to those who are also suffering or those who may not know your love and peace. Please give us the chance to hold our precious baby and love on him as long as we can. Thank you for our great blessings and our health and security. I love you, I love you.
Continue to pray for our strength and peace.